Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
