if you like me you must not know who I am
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
