idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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