everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I love you. Go after that dick
Randomize
