dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
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He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
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Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
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