i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
