there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
