Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
did i walk over a car last night?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
