If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
