I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
