his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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