i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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