my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
