why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
