I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
