For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
