My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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