3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
