Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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