Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
