God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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