Don't make out with my wife yet
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
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