Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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