I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
