In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
