I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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