then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
