life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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