someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize