So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Randomize
