any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
