just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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