I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Holy shit dude........stairs
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