Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
She's better-looking with the mask on.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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