You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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