I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
