Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
