sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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