watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
