Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
