Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I lost the right to judge tonight
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
