like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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