Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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