the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Randomize
