It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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