Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
