You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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