I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
