I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
