Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
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