Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
