He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
So much Jack, so little girl.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Randomize
