Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
