There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
