thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
