Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
