Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
