Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
